5 Erotic Self-Love Tips

Tap the Transformative Power of Erotic Self-Love

No matter how sex-positive your background is, you have, in all likelihood, encountered sexual shame. Too many of us have been told that sex is shallow, selfish and dirty. What’s more, solo lovemaking—a source of truly transformative self-love—is often silenced or ignored.

But we can let go of such judgments! And when we do, our love lives (whether solo, partnered, or solo and partnered) not only have a wonderful effect on our own selves, but also on the lives of those we care about. Honoring our own sexual dreams and needs can help us to feel better in this world, while also lifting the loving energy of those around us.

Whether you are partnered or single, solo lovemaking can be a powerful way of learning to shed shame and truly be ourselves. Here are five solo-sexual tips for tapping your loving, erotic depths:

No. 1: Acknowledge that erotic self-love is a generous act!
When you make love to yourself in a way that makes you feel good, you actually create more oxytocin—a chemical associated with greater generosity. (Take a look at this study, for example, where those who where given a shot of oxytocingave away 80% more of their money than those who didn’t).  So sexual self-love is the opposite of selfish—I prefer to think of it as “self-full” because it generates loving energy in us, allowing us to more easily love the world.  Affirmation: When I make love to myself, I create love for the world.

No. 2: Pamper your sexual self! 
Whether you are solo or partnered, consider creating a special space for your solo lovemaking and erotic self-love. You might buy scented candles (sandalwood and ylang ylang can be wonderfully sensual) coupled with luxurious body cream or bath/shower products. Prepare the bath or bedroom before your solo-love date, and invest in erotica or sex toys that you’d like to explore. Don’t be afraid of making the space spiritual too, if you like. Rose quartz and carnelian crystals can be wonderful for pre- and post-sex meditation. Remember that “afterplay” (or “during-play” too) is important—music, films and a good book can be great ways to enjoy your post-sexual glow.  Also, why not set sail, with Venus herself, on the two-week Mermaid Voyage: an Online Journey of Erotic Self-Discovery for women and female-identified folks.  A deep and true way to remember that you are your own most romantic partner.  Affirmation: Every part of me is deserving of love.

No. 3: Assume that everyone you meet is sexual! 
I’ll give a real-life example, here. As an erotic writer, I’ve always been thrilled to find that my once-upon-a-time assumptions about what “erotic writers” would look/be like are entirely erroneous! Erotic writers come in all shapes, sizes, ages, colors, and creeds…which isn’t surprising because sex-positive people and sexual-spiritual people also come from a wealth of backgrounds and lives. You are not alone in embracing your sexuality!  So many people are doing just the same. Affirmation: I am embraced by a world of erotic truths.

No. 4: Honor your fantasies!
Your fantasies are erotic dreams that are a part of your rich sexuality and you can explore them through erotica, erotic art/comics, fair-trade erotic film (try Blue Artichoke Films for artistic heterosexual porn and Crashpad for queer porn), and your own creative imaginings. Also, you might try writing your fantasies down in a journal and re-reading them during solo sex. If you have darker fantasies and you feel unsettled by that, you can give yourself permission to explore them in a loving way. (Remind yourself that as long as your dark fantasies remain fantasies—or are consensual, caring play—they won’t hurt anyone. In fact, considering what oxytocin does for our love-energy, the resulting orgasms and feel-good moments contribute towards your love of the world.) Affirmation: My fantasies are deeply deserving of my love.

No. 5: Invite your friends…or your sexual self! 
If you have friends who aren’t afraid to be sexually open, you might invite them to go sex-toy shopping with you. This is a lovely way of celebrating your sex lives and inviting one another to be a sex-positive family. If you live near a city, you might check out your local sex stores—it can be helpful to find reviews of the staff and atmosphere online first. Or you can shop online together, at Good Vibrations or Smitten Kitten, for example. And what about a movie night? A great erotic film to watch with friends is Secretary—the story of a young woman who transforms her whole life by becoming the sexual submissive she longs to be. And for those who would rather not reach out to friends in this way, pampering yourself with new accessories and films, and sharing the experience in a journal, can be a truly loving and powerful act. When I love myself, I generate love for others.

To really explore your inner erotic goddess and build erotic confidence, set sail with us on the two-week Mermaid Voyage: an Online Journey of Erotic Self-Discoveryfor women and those who identify as women.  Also, take a look at the recent research that was recently shared by MindBodyGreen, on how meditation and sex are the same to your brain.