Movie Review: Fifty Shades of Completely Fucked Up

Movie poster for Fifty Shades of GreyClocking in at 125 minutes, the much anticipated Fifty Shades of Grey film is about 70 minutes too long, unless you enjoy seeing little plot development and two actors, although both very beautiful, repeating the same lines, just in different locales. To sit through the two-plus hours, it’ll also help if you enjoy watching a man and woman kiss, because you’ll see a lot of Christian kissing Ana. Actually, we should have timed how much of the film was dedicated to this specific act. Far more than what was shown in the Red Room of Pain. Far more than the two main characters actually talked about anything of import, such as why two adults would proceed to engage in BDSM activity, however “light” it may be, without explicit fucking consent—as in, “Yes, you may tie me up and spank me with your little, white-bred hand.” I mean, Jamie Dornan’s Christian is very, very alluring, but seriously. If you don’t want to sub, you don’t want to sub, right? IT’S OKAY IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SUB. Just don’t date Christian Grey, and, for fuck’s sake, stop trying to touch him when he tells you he doesn’t want to be touched.

Confused? So were we. I think this is what happens when a novel that needs compression turns into a screenplay that needs compression, and no one really knows too much about how to conduct themselves as human beings, as functioning human beings, and then you throw in a belt-whipping in the end and wonder why it all goes to shit. I’m sorry Anastasia. I’m sorry Christian.

That said, in our little city surrounded by a shitload of colleges in Western Massachusetts, the theater was packed for the 8:00 p.m. showing with, you guessed it, young adults between the ages of 18 and 21. We were likely the oldest, and the queerest, and the only ones who didn’t giggle when there was a close-up of Dakota Johnson’s bare nipple. It was strange. What did those kids expect to see? How did they anticipate BDSM appearing on the screen? Probably the same way Anastasia did in the bedroom. Without one fucking clue.

Eager for a BDSM romance novel with heart and a lot more brain? Why not check out Lana Fox’s Cream, available now, in print and digital formats, from Amazon.

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