UPDATE: Bless my doggy butt, Conchita Wurst WON! I’m having beef for breakfast and saluting Austria, bitches. *fist bump* But here’s what I wrote before the Eurovision final…
Pups, this blogging bulldog is angry. And I’m also wearing a mustache.
I’ll explain. The Eurovision Song Contest, for those who don’t know, is a glitzy event where European countries have a friendly, campy singing contest. And who should turn up at the semi-finals, but Conchita Wurst–a drag queen in a glittery dress singing a powerfully emotional song. And (this is where my mustache gets relevant, folks) she was wearing full facial hair.
Any self-respecting bulldog would applaud such beauty, of course. Hair, all together, is a big part of the Bulldog Identity, and no one in the dog community ever frowned at chiffon.
But some humans are very stupid. Not only are they doggist (phrases such as “sick as a dog” spring to mind) they are also transphobic. (Fellow dogs, if you’ve never heard the phrase, it means being afraid of a woman with a beard, unless they’re on Monty Python.) I thought evolution was meant to make human animals smarter, but it appears St. Petersburg lawmaker Vitaly Milono has more than a little catch-up to do. Not only is he backing Putin’s war on all things queer, but he called Wurst’s drag identity “blatant propaganda of homosexuality and spiritual decay.”
You know where I’d stick that comment, bulldogs? And I wouldn’t care about the vet’s bill either.
Anypooch, here’s the thing this bulldog doesn’t get. There I am, bitch extraordinaire, dressed in my usual brindle attire—no lipstick, no sequins, no Yves Saint Laurent, (more’s the pity,) and nobody ever tells me, “Bitch, shave off that facial hair!” or “Stop humping Bella the Bulldog, it’s a filthy habit!”
Actually, Mom did say that once, but it was more to do with the slobber.
See, pups, this whole “gender” thing that humans enjoy is all very well, but once you start making up rules about it, it stops being fun. And apparently, once you get rules about gender, people start killing people and insulting people and shaming people because of it. I mean, if I turned up at the Dog-Eurovision, representing Massachusetts with my moustache and my tutu, no dog in the world would have a problem with it. They’d say, “That’s Sophie Bulldog being natural because she’s expressing herself.” Then they’d look longingly at my clipped mustache and wish they could master the art of perfect grooming.
Now, speaking of grooming, RuPaul’s Drag Race is my favorite program for a very good reason. This season, drag queen Milk was given compliments for wearing a delectable beard along with her femme clothing. (And you know, that lady has great lips, guys. I mean, those were made for lipstick.) By the by, in Tuesday’s Drag Race finale, I’m rooting for Bianca Del Rio, and I’d love to see her combine some facial hair with a cocktail dress and stockings. Yup, it’s true, Bianca’s got me crushing. Wit Meets the Wonderbra. That’s my kind of dame.
To sum it up, though, here’s why I’m snorting: If you see someone beautiful in a beard and a dress, and you get afraid and think they’re polluting the world, take a look at what Putin’s doing in Russia. It’s called murder of the innocents. That, dear bitches, is pollution. And you don’t need to be a bulldog to figure that out.
So until humans have, you know, stopped violence against innocent people, and stopped killing bitches for being themselves, I only have one thing to say.
Dogs are better than humans.
I rest my case.
Sophie Bulldog blogs at BookBoner and is Chief Dog Editor at Here Booky Booky indie publishing services (where queer folks and queer dogs are always warmly welcomed). She is the dog of Angela Tavares and Lana Fox. She helped edit Shameless Behavior: Brazen Stories of Overcoming Shame (Go Deeper Press) and is also a Dog-Positive Activist.